Note: This is a very serious article for three types of people. First,those who don't know what they are doing on the night before the exam, secondly those who don't know what they are doing in college for the last one/two/three/four years and lastly those who don't know what they are doing in this world for the last twenty odd years. Exam is a pain in the ass and this article has been written keeping that fact in mind. People who sleep for more than four hours on the night before the exam should refrain from reading this article right now.
The biggest question that goes on in the mind of a normal student is when they should begin studying for the semester. On a broad basis, there are three kinds of students,
1. Who start studying for a semester thirty five days before the semester begins
2. Who start studying twenty seven nano seconds after the P.L (Preparatory Leave) begins
3. Who search for their notes on the night before the exams.
An OMG! Fact is that the probability that students of category 1 and 2 would be reading is this article is slightly more than the probability that Alia Bhat knows who is the President of Uganda is. Knowing this fact, let the students of category 3 be assured that they are exclusively getting these tips to ace (survive) the exams.
Tip 1: Never ever begin studying 12 hours before the exam
Studying for exams isn't a cake walk. If you have an exam at 10 AM on Thursday and if you plan to begin studying as early as 9 AM on Wednesday, your mind might explode with the stuffs you would come across in the textbooks that still smell fresh (probably completely unused). Hence never study so early. As a result of explosion, you might lose sanity and land up in a mental asylum with no WiFi. 10 PM is an optimum time to begin studying.
(P.S: Ignore this tip if you already know an asylum where they provide free WiFi)
Tip 2: In the first hour of studying, locate notes, textbooks, phone charger etc
The plan is to have everything near you so that you don't need to get up every time. Make sure you have cigarettes in right numbers, a charging socket nearby to charge phone and similar such amenities. The next task is to locate notes and textbooks. There is a strong probability that you might find some of these stuffs in the places where you hide porn magazines and Pehli Suhaagraat DVDs.
Tip 3: Make sure your boyfriend(s)/girlfriend(s) is (are) asleep before you face the book
Your boyfriend/girlfriend can be a serious threat to your sanity on the night before the exam. Make sure you don't need to address stuffs like "Babu you don't love me na?" at 2 in the morning. A little bit of mushy stuff is okay but the excess of it can create serious mental disturbance and hence should be avoided. Make sure your girlfriend/boyfriend sleeps early and if they are insomniacs, put your phone to airplane mode and till morning let them wonder that you have been eaten up by a giant gorilla that your neighbor was trying to tame in his secret animal laboratory. This might also give them a false hope that they are free from you.
Tip 4: Study the most repeated questions
This is the first instance in the semester where you're expected to think (a bit). Go through the previous exam papers, see what has been asked, what has been asked twice, what has been asked thrice, what you can skip, and what you can't. Now make a list questions that, if you study, you would somehow be able to drag your ass beyond the finish line.
Tip 5: Jo aata hai padho, jo nahi aata hai usey ratta maar lo
You are likely to come across stuffs like "the third root of alpha square equals baby doll mai sone di" types bizarre equations and derivation, and you would more likely not get what that piece of shit means. The secret is, no one gets it either, be it the professor, your class topper, your hostel watchman or the "over-qualified" guy who wrote the text book. The plan is to memorize them just like they are and forget them as soon as the exam gets over.
Tip 6: Go for a walk/ Listen to a lot of music
A small walk to the nearest chaiwallah stall or listening to good tracks can be magical after a serious session of study. (Caution: please don't put the earphones on if you suspect that your bisexual girlfriend is a Justin Beiber fan and has secretly sent you Baby and 19 other tracks secretly along those 23123454 "I love you" audio messages. Unusual behavior has been noticed in a teen guy who listened to one of these songs accidentally and two years later, he ended up waxing his chest hair and started cross-dressing)
Tip 7: Don't stop swearing
Bring your frustration out, you need to. Mentally abuse your room partner for tempting you to have two pegs of Old Monk on those nights when you had to complete assignments, your girlfriend for romantically involving you in those long late night calls on the night before the project deadline, your professors for speaking in a language that closely resembles to that of the Democratic Republic of Congo all through the semester in an English-medium college, your parents for forcing you to join a college where the girls to boys ratio was around 0.87 females to 1000 males, which also caused you to bunk lectures out of disinterest. They deserve this, after all they are the reason why you are in this condition.
Tip 8: Don't forget to make false promises to yourself
Look into your eyes, faintly visible in the dirty mirror of your hostel bathroom, tell yourself that you would study hard next semester (which, even your the dog outside the hostel gate knows, is a lie), you would start attending college, you would become regular (in completing assignments and not in collecting porn DVDs). These false promises make you feel good before the exam.
Tip 9: Take the exam like a ninja
Complete studying the important questions, make some chits, hide them in your socks, pockets or underwear or write the equation of drain to source voltage of a MOS transistor next to "I love Ria mam ki chuchchi" on the toilet door. Attempt all the questions even the ones you don't know. You're free to write Savita Bhabhi and the Bra Salesman's detailed story under the headline "How to increase the efficiency of an Amplitude modulated communication system". The guy who checks the papers doesn't have time to read what you have written and if he does, he might give you marks for a good orgasm that he got while reading the answer. The trick is to take chances. In a country, where everything happens out of an accident, be it the arrival of a new member to the family or a Chaiwallah becoming a Prime Minister, taking chances might help you in passing even the hardest of exams. If you're working hard, college is probably not your cup of tea, you need to work smart.
(The writer has personally experimented the above mentioned activities for three years in probably one of the shittiest college in India and has managed to get a 7+ pointer ever semester. Also the writer doesn't deny the fact that he has a bisexual girlfriend who loves Justin Beiber songs, in fact quite recently, he has been spotted near one of the hair waxing parlors in the city)
